My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
In America we eat man semen.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
