saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
