I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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