In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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