if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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