actually, I'm a sock model
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize