Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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