my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
