you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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