Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
