my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
