Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
