I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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