ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
