May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
