I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize