I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
