Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
