i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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