im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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