Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
