This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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