I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
