nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
