yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think i peed on brittanys purse
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize