I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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