im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
