Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
