i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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