He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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