I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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