I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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