dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
