We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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