the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize