Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
