I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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