she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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