a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
