omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
