My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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