I wish I only lived at night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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