yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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