Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
