Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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