...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize