Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
how does that bad decision feel?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
