Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
