Don't make out with my wife yet
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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