I hate your face
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
