...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My life is pants optional.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
