Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
