You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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