Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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