it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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