thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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