i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
