So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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