Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
